Showing posts from 2006

Nature's Last Assault, New Year, new Beginnings

No trip of mine would be complete without its glitches, right? Let's review. I've been assaulted by nature's forces, tornados, rain, natural water, either while I was being swept down the street into a bayou in Houston, nearly missed with a funnel cloud in Altanta and Montgomery,and accosted by a toilet water fountain at sea. I've been left on a rock with a lean to in Belize, stuck in an elevator in Miami. Was anything left? of course. But let's start at the beginnin.
You may recall, the last time I flew Continental, I ran into somewhat of a luggage problem, mainly that mine did not arrive AT ALL. I had to go on a whirlwind shopping spree to look decent for a business trip.
So, what'd I go and do? I flew Continental again. What happened to once burned, twice shy? I wasn't scared, but I shulda been.
Aaaah. family vacation. I was looking forward to a week of bliss (and work, ye olde deadline had yet to be met). I got off the plane in Mexico, and guess…

Yes, Shaneequa, There is a Santa Claus

Merry Christmas! Feliz Cumpleanos, Habari Gani, ya know! Trying something new this time. Check out The Vixen Chronicles Podcast here
. Click Listen. It will take you to another page to hear my attempt at podcasting. I welcome your feedback. I was playing with the toys that Santa sent me.

Santa Baby

My kids sent letters to Santa. Yes, I said letters, as in more than one. This is something we started at any early age. Since I am The catalog queen, I give them catalogs and let them go at it. We generally do this in several iterations. On the first pass, then go through and check or circle the things that they want. Of course the five year old circles everything, and then I give them the crushing news. They can only pick five things, and there is no guarantee that they will get all or any of those five things. You see, Santa has to make some decisions to make sure there is enough to go around, and which items Santa chooses of course depends on if she thinks they will be any fun for her or not.

The youngest cries and whines at this news, still not understanding why she can’t possibly have everything that she wants. The Oldest, she says nothing. She is teetering on the cusp of understanding the real deal. Mommy is really Santa Clause and if you piss Mommy off, you get lumps of coal in …

Christmas Kling-ons and Friendship Faux Pas

Sigh. All my Christmas shopping is done and my point and click finger is exhausted. I hate Christmas shopping. Let me clarify, I love to give gifts to my loved ones, but I hate the crowds. My list seemed longer this year for some reason. Maybe it was because there were a lot of people who helped make 2006 a good one for me, folks that I had to make sure I got a small token so they would know I have appreciated the moments of joy and comfort they have given me.
The Christmas tree is all in place too. Before the season started, I had every intention of having three trees in my house. One designer looking tree, one two color tree, white with black ornaments like I saw of Ugly Betty, and one with all the kid ornaments and the Black Santas and Angels. Then the reality of who was going to do all the work hit me. I pulled out our trusty pre-lit tree and the boxes and boxes of ornaments and I grimaced. What a pain it was going to be to put the tree up! I forced myself to make it hap…

Deep in it, Santa Wish Lists and Film Projects, The Ramblings of a Deranged Writer with a Deadline

I'm so deep in it. I have my nose to the grindstone, hoping to finish this manuscript before Christmas. I want to go on vacation and just vacation, na'mean? It probably won't work though, my mind is onto the next thing already, what I'm proposing next, the play, a film. I'm just busy as a bee.
I'm never quite sure how things are going to reveal themselves to me. People keep asking me, "Is the end written?" The answer: Hell Naw. Whatver I had in mind when I started this journey is long since out the window and the chracaters talk to me daily, revealing their actions. The Sims are in my head! The characters are loose! Yup, I'm crazy. People talk to me and I keep saying, That's it, that's what's next.
My friends know that this is known as my pensive period, the time when I don't get dressed or answer the phone or the door. When I'm at a stop, I may be caught haunting the malls, just haunting, not buying. ALTHOUGH, it …

Travels, Tribulations and Turkey Day wishes

Never let it be said that I go anywhere quietly. I blew into Montgomery like a storm last week. Here are pictures from my trip. This is Montgomery AFTER I got settled in.

You see, I was mad because I had the trip from hell. A flight that should have taken only a few hours, took well over ten. I shoulda known I would have problems. First, I kept trying to get to terminal 2 where my flight was embarking, but kept ending up in terminal one. It was like I had stepped out of my car and fallen into the Twilight Zone or something. I could see the signs but I just couldn't get there.
When I left that afternoon, it was the windiest I'd ever seen it. So, windy in fact that they put us on the plane to Houston, then we sat on the ground for awhile. While we were waiting, the plane was rocking back and forth so much I was having flashbacks of New York City Subway cars. They decided then that they didn't know when we might be able to leave so they told us we had to de-plane. …

Madonna, PInk Work Boots and the Laundry Chute

The U.S. has been all up in arms about Madonna adopting a child from Malawi. Like we don't have more pressing issues to worry about. I want to ask the same people that made this headline news, "Can you tell me who just ran for goovernor of your state?" and then wait while I listened to the silence that would surely ensue. I watched the news special where they interviewed her. It was said to me, "What does she know about raising a black male?" My answer? "Probably just as much as the orphanage where his father had left him."
"But Still--"
"You could always adopt. There are lots of families in African countries and Haiti that are leaving their children in orphanages because they can't feed them. "
No comment.
I really don't have a problem with what Madonna chose to do. What I do have a problem with is that she went all the way to Africa to do it.
Now, don't get me wrong, I understand that there are many African cou…

Sex with Midgets and and Birthday Bash at Sea

I had to put down one of my favorite shows last night. For the last few seasons, I have been a die hard fan of Nip/Tuck. Yes, I admit it, I loved watching the surgeries, the love, the sex, the hate and the bizarre, even when my family rebelled and my baby ran screaming from the room every time she saw a butter knife because she snuck at peek one night and spied a scalpel doing its work. But, I'm through now. What drove me over the edge? The leading lady was about to have sex with a midget.
You read that right.
At least she kissed him and when their lips met, I turned off the boob tube and threw it across the room.
Now, they have had a porn star falling in love with the sex addicted surgeon, all the men have chetaed on the women, the woman have cheated on the men, sometimes with the other men. there has been a penis-less slasher who sodomized his victims with a strap on and all sorts of sexual deviations. But sex with the midget baby sitter was just too much for me. I'…

Live From Los Angeles/Pictures Never lie

Los Angeles and Burbank with The Femmes was fantastic. (Pun intended). It was great to be back in the saddle again. I'd missed my girls and din't know how much. Carmen Green, Lori Bryant Woolridge and I were joined by guest authors Reshonda Tate Billingsley and Trisha Thomas. We spoke at a fundraiser organized by The Kindred Spirits booklub. The charity was an IRS charity, one that girves sholarships to African Americans in order to get them interested in IRS careers. I mean, who knew that such a thing even existed?

I knew I have to blog about it eventually. Someone had to set the record straight, tell the folks the real deal. We arrived the night before for our Femme Board meeting, and ended up at the Tonight Show. Jay's head is bigger in person but he seemed like a nice guy. Calista Flockhart was a guest and she looked so stoned that even the other guests made fun of her. They film the show at about 3 in the afternoon in real time. We were done early and that…

BollyWood and The Choos have it

Bollywood strikes again. I got this in an email today. They are copying Michael Jackson back when he still looked half way normal, Yes, it was the eighties and he did have a Gheri Curl, but at least he was still brown. Check it out.

I just got an email form my sister in the Boogie Down (That would be The Bronx for those of you who don't know), that Just Short of Crazy is the book of the MOnth on Power 105.1FM. Yaaayyy! New York!

And finally, I got the best email from Jim at Jimmy Choo. He prepared a video presentation of the vintage shoes that Jimmy Choo is reissuing and emailed it to me. It was narrated and everything. I mean how is a girl supposed to not fall off the wagon with salesmanship like that? Lawd, ha mercey Jesus, Mohammed and Buddha! Give that man a raise. All his email said was "Hello Gorgeous. How many Pairs do you want?" The shoes spoke for themselves.

Which do you think I chose?

THIS is exactly why I shop at Jimmy Choo. THIS is what customer ser…

Flying wthout Orgasm

Liquid ban on airline flights have been relaxed. Will never have to fly
without Orgasm again.

That was the content of a text message I received from a friend of mine yesterday. Although I knew what they were talking about, I still laughed. I recently took a flight, then at the airport, realized that I had left my favorite lip gloss in my purse and had not packed it. The name? Orgasm, by Bobbi Brown. I gave it to my friend and begged them to please drop it in the mail for me.
I'm so glad that dang ban has been lifted. Billy might be able to travel without lotions or creams, but ladies, think about how difficult this can be. I tried it.
Joe can leave home without lip gloss (hope he doesn't own any of Jane might be in trouble). For women though, we all know that there had been many a day when a touch of color or shine on your lips made you look better and hence be a little nicer. Imagine a world filled with women with ashy lips.

John can leave home without lotion and maybe u…

Speaking in Tongues

If you listen your kids will tell you what they really think.
One of mine told me this: "The babysitter is starting to talk on the phone while driving."
I paused a minute, remembering her calling me the minute she picked them up from school this past Friday. I was out of town on a Femme Fantastik Adventure.
"Are you sure she wasn't talking to me? " I said.
She cocked her head to the side and then answered. "No, she wasn't."
"How do you know?"
"I just know Mom. She was talking black."
Now what does she mean by that? Am I not black?

I said, "Really? How does one do that?"
She grinned. "You know what I mean, mom. The tone in your voice,Like when you talk to (Daddy's Mom) Grandma."

Now what does she mean by that?

"How do I talk to Grandma?"
"You know mom, Like when you and her say things like "That girl ain't got no money". Like that."
"I see. So how do I talk otherwise?"

On Ladies & Gentelmen (Guest Blogger)

It's time again for the male vioce to weigh in. This from a mysterious male guest blogger....
On ladies and gentlemen....
After reading your blog, I started to ponder a bit about what a gentle
is and does and conversely what a lady is and does (our what they should
do at least in today's day and time). Here are my views, interested in
what I'm missing or am wrong about.

Gentleman Rules
Seems to me that a gentleman must or should:
- walk a lady to her car anytime from dusk onward
- open doors when it makes sense to, but don't break your neck to do it
when it doesn't make sense
- take the hat off whenever inside no matter how bald or near bald you
are/are becoming
- look a lady in her eyes first....check the rest out later, but start
with her eyes because we are people first and animals second
- realize that women are not helpless, but appreciate being helped. Ask
if she needs help picking up the suitcase or grocery bag and let her
decide if she needs a stronger set of arms (if yo…

I usually don't blog about politics but....

Seems like anyone can run for Governor. Kinky Friedman is trying it in Texas. For those of you who don't know, he is a musician and he's runnoing on the Red Neck Ticket. Seems like Mr Kinky is a little Kinky, he's like animals better than he likes people, at least according to his campaign ad. His recent ad talks about none of these issues important to the folks of Texas and compares himself to "The Good Shepherd". He he has been quoted as calling Katrina Evacuees Thugs and Crackheads. Hmmm. What is Jesus-like about that? Talk aboout a stretch. What, exactly, does he know about running the state? What's that you say? Maybe not a whole lot? Seems like a good gig if you can get it.
Here's the commercial, see what you think.

The truism of the Southern Gentleman.

Last week I signed books at the Congressional Black caucus Convention In D.C. No pictures, because as usual, I forgot my clunker of a camera. The highlight of the event was not what I thought it would be, seeing Barack Obama (alas, I didn't get there, but I will fill you in on that later!), but it was being recognized.
Authors are people without faces (They just have words) and I was recognized not by a reader(well, I was, but that wasn't the thing), I was recognized by Thelma! YOu know, Bernadette Stanis, Thelma from Good Times. Let me just say, I googled her to figure out her birthday and sister is looking good! I want to be her when I grow up.
I left the convention center and thought I was headed to see Barack speak. I was feeling kinda paranoid so it was more like I was scurrying away, when all of a sudden, it hit me. I wasn't paranoid, someone was staring. I looked down at my shoes (they are always comforting, this time, a purplish Jimmy Choo sling back), pick…

Kindred Spirits Book Club in LA

Kindred Spirits Book Club Presents
The Femme Fantastik Tour
Saturday, September 23, 2006
2:00 to 5:00 PM
Hilton Burbank Airport
2500 N Hollywood Way
Burbank, CA 91505
Phone: (818) 843-6000
$35 donation per person - book includeda portion of proceeds will benefit the to the
AIM-IRS Los Angeles Chapter
The Bobby S. Wyche Scholarship Fund
For tickets please mail check or postal money order made payable to"Kindred Spirits Book Club"along with a self-addressed stamped envelope to:Kindred Spirits Book Club
Attention: Femme Fantastik Tour
11024 Balboa Blvd #634
Granada Hills, CA 91344-5007
For more information contact: Sharon Hollis at
Books available from Heritage Bookstore and More
Nina Foxx Just Short of Crazy
Carmen Green What A Fool Believes
Lori Bryant-Woolridge Hitts & Mrs.
ReShonda Tate Billingsley Help! I've Turned Into My Mother
Trisha Thomas Would I Lie To You

Good Malls and Well Water

Summer's over! Okay not really, but it is September. In case you don't know, even if Labor Day isn't on September 1, September doesn't start until after Labor Day (in my twisted mind). Labor Day means the end of Summer, except if you live in South Texas. In that case, what it means is that instead of damn hot we will just be hot with temps that hover in the high 90's.
This time of year I do miss the East Coast. I miss the leaves turning wonderful colors and drives just to see them turn. I miss the clothes. We just don't have a fall season here where you get to where the great clothes and boots are REALLY jiust for show. A few of us do try though, we go and get that "IT" outfit and sport it although we know we are really hot as hell in it. I never appreciated a good dress shield before. Opaque tights are supposed to be very in this year. That is funny when you live in no pantyhose land. If you live on the east coast you almost can't ima…

Breaking The Rules

Just like there are Little Vixen Rules, there are rules of traveling. A big one for me is as soon as I step on the plane,click the seat belt shut and ,make sure my tray table is in the upright and locked position, I should go to sleep. I usually do this quite successfully and then wake-up on landing. I cll this my "tarmac to tarmac" nap. The T to T nap serves a multitude of purposes. First, I get to catch up on the sleep I didn't get because I was up packing, and I am almost always up packing. I pack mentally first, then leave the real packing to the last minute. Soemtimes, until one hour before I should be showering to go on my trip. Sounds crazy, but its a system.
Somewhere in the back of my head is the thought that if the plane goes down, I might miss it because I am alseep. And lastly, the big one. I sleep because if a talker sits in the middle seat, they will hopefully leave me alone if my head is cocked to the side and my mouth slightly open. I would say &…

Little Vixen Rules

The kiddos are back in school. For mine, a new school. I try to talk to my kids about school daily, even if they aren't talking back to me. Heaven knows, with a pre-teen, it can be like pulling teeth. They hopped in the car yesterday and I did my usual inquiry..."What happened today? Anything fun?"
I got the usual answer at first. "Nothing."
I left it at that because I knew the silence usualy draws out more detail. That nothing can be intepreted a lot of ways.
"I don't have any friends."
It was coming. "Baby, you have only been at this new school a week. It'll come."
"Well, no one would play with me at Recess."
I sensesd that there was more she wanted to tell.
"Well, they were playing tag and I don't like that game."
"Well, all the kids that like each togther play tag together."
"Yeah. James like Soga. She likes him back. Mary likes Ernest.&qu…

Catching Up on The reading

With so much going on, its amazing that I had time to read anything at all, and I'm sure I will leave something off the list. But the kids are back in school and its back to business as usual.

1-The Secret Lives of Fortunate Wives by Sarah Stromeyer. This was an acceptable read. People in the suburbs have secrets. They are drug addicts or secretly broke or married but on the DL.....
2-Apex Hides the Hurt- Colson Whitehead. This was good enough that it made me want to go back and read The Intuitionist.
3-Tease-Suzanne Forster. I read this in June. What was it about again? Oh, yeah, It was erotica. And a little strange. Made me feel like she's really been inside an S & M club. Not that I have.
4-What's Done in the Dark, Gloria Mallet. Two sisters hate each other. It was a good story, except it was never clear why they hated each other so much. Sibling rivalry to the nth degree

The next two are probably tied for the best reads of the summer--
5-The Fortunate S…

Sexy shoes and Good Undies

Miss Kim talked about me on her blog. (Check out the links). Yes, I do wear fur. It's very warm after skiing. I'm not stressed about the minks, they found a happy ever after at the dog food factory. Every part of that little bugger was used. And I sit on leather, both in my car and in my home. And I don't have to tell you that I wear leather on my feet. Not just "leather uppers" but I prefer the shoes that have real, old-fashined, leather soles too. Once you go there, its hard to go back.

Kim, girl, I was just giving you fair warning if we were going to be buds. But I have you know I treat the leather uppers and soled shoes like members of my family, sometimes even better than. They come to me and I give them climate controlled rooms with lots of light that I purchased directly from the Container Store. They have luxury front doors that slide in and out smoothly so they have no trauma. They get trips to the shoe hospital when necessary. And usually,…

African American Literary Awards

Hello Readers & Friends!
I trust you are keeping cool as summer wanes to its end.

I am pleased to announce that my book Just Short Of Crazy, was nominated in the "Comedy Fiction" category for a 2006 African American Literary Award. The show will take place in New York in September.

Please take this time to cast your vote for your favorites in all the categories that are listed. I am honored to be considered among all of the great writers that were nominated.
Thank you for your time and please pass this email on to others!

To cast your vote, click here: http://www.literary award

Stay Cool and Keep Reading!

Blue Crabs, Right Hooks and Real Peace

August 3, 2006

Crabs in the water.
For real.
I looked through the green-tinted water and thought that my eyes were fooling me. A blue crab was peeking through the murkiness. He was of a good size and could be part of my dinner like the fish I caught this morning off my hired fishing boat and he knew it too. Crabby nipped at my toes and I yelped, reminded of my anti-natural credo.
I don't do natural water.
Being in no- air condition land, I have violated that several times in a single day. Its over 100 degrees and the only place where its not sweltering is on the water or at the beach and so I find myself at the Inkwell with all the other black people. There's an atmosphere here not found at State Beach or South Beach. Yes, its rocky at the water's edge, but its the only beach where it sounds like a party, the only beach where the music is just loud enough where you can't help but nod your head. Once you get over the rocks the sand is soft and the water is still enou…

Dry Towns and Trash Stealing Night Critters

First I was too cold and now I can't get cool enough. There is no air-conditioning here. I didn't know it when I planned this, or it didn't occur to me. The first night, I told my landlord that I was a little warm in my room at the cottage.
“No, problem, we'll fix that.”
Silly me, I thought that meant that they would turn up the air conditioner to that comfort zone we talk about, you know, between 68 and 72.
“We'll just open a window or two.”
I was perplexed as I followed them around the house. They opened window after window and explained to me how this was an efficient house that was designed to be hot in the winter and cool in the summer. It just wasn't cool enough.
I walked around Oak Bluff, in and out of the various merchants on Circuit avenue. Guess what? No air conditioning there either. The weather was balmy, not quite hot, but I wouldn't exactly call it cool either. It wasn't in your face hot like in Texas, but just warm enough to make y…

Beach Bloggin'

I needed a break from all the moving, so I headed to the beach.
I headed to take my daughter to camp, actually, and decided to wait for her at a nearby Beach town.
She is going to the historical Camp Atwater,and no, its not a Fresh Air Fund Camp like the characters in Marrying UP said it was. I made that up. That's why its called fiction.
She's never been to sleep away camp before so I was worried that she would have a hard time. She is just a baby.
I tried to expose her to this type of thing before when we went to an overnight Mother-daughter camp with the Girl Scouts. I think I blogged about that too. In my heart, I knew that if that camp was anything like Camp Atwater, there was a good chance she wouldn't want to stay. It can't be a good experience if the one thing she remembers most is the smell.
Driving up to Camp Atwter it was a pleasant surprise. It was camp, but certainly less "rustic" than where we stayed. We rolled into expertly manicured and mai…

Having my Business in Living Order

Moving is getting tiring. People say "moving" like its a one point in time thing, but in actuality, it is a process. We have physically moved all our stuff from point A to point B, but now I am sifting through all the stuff in the boxes and trying to get it in its place. Everything has a place, and I just gotta find it. Truth be told, I am throwing/donating a lot of things that had found their way to the back of the closet or that have outlived its usefulness. I'm finding having less stuff kind of refreshing. Liberating even.
I have help, thank goodness. I wanted things to go smoothly for my family, so pre-moved, I went through and purged a lot of things.
Clothes I hadn't worn in two years. A shoe or two. Some of them I looked at and wondered how the hell they found their way into my closet in the first place. What was so attractive before was butt-ugly now. I evenpurged for my other half because he is not a person who throws things away. Trust me fellas, men&…

Trash Cans, Crocodile Dundee, Frog Legs and Grasshopper Whoppers

My struggle with nature continues. You see, alas, I have moved to the KUN-CHER-EEE.
I am still sitting in the midst of boxes, albeit fewer than before, but in the midst of boxes nonetheless.
It's one thing when you move from house to house or neighborhood to neighborhood. In those cases, you can still rely on the old faithful things you know. Same people, dry cleaners, grocery store, but I have moved to a different city and I am just lost. Where I have moved the grabage company does not provide trash cans, and since, as a result of my move, I have a lot of trash, I found myself in need of the "man-supermarket", AKA Home Depot. I looked it up on the internet, found an address and then tried to put it in my trusty (or so I thought) navigation system. After 20 minutes of trying, I decided to give it a go and just drove in the general direction that I thought it was in. Well, I drove around in circles and ended up there quite accidently, but not before I called relativ…