Valentine's Day-by Carmen Green

Good Valetine's Day to all my attached sista and brotha's friends.
I'm really happy for you. I'm still single, but happy. Mhmm. Living my life like's it's Golden as Jill Scott said to do, Recognizing A Woman's Worth, per Alicia Keys, and yes, I heard Fantasia when she said, I Ain't Gon' Beg You, and realized I wasn't the woman in Good Mourning, by my girl India.Arie.
I don't have a man but I still felt the need for Valentine's Day presents.
Since I watched the Montel Williams show earlier this month and LL Cool J was a guest, he said if you stay off your vice for 21 days you'll kick it, so I decided to kick candy. Okay, I've heard this before, but when LL tells you something and then licks his lips, well. . .I mean goodness, it's memorable.
So here's my confession: My name is Carmen and I'm a sugaraholic--cheap candy like Smarties and Swedish Fish are my weakness. It's been 11 days since my last fix. Yes, there are tears in my eyes. Withdrawl is a bitch!
So anyway back to why I'm so bitter--ly happy for all of you coupled people.
I believe in celebrating holidays sans a man, so I went out and bought myself a teddy bear, some cake mix and a flower. No, I wasn't using them all at the same time, but whatever to you pervs out there.
I came home, had a cupcake, threw the rest away, put on India.Arie and danced with my six inch bear with my flower in my hair.
Then I decided to read my email. Who knows. Maybe someone saw me dancing and wanted me for a video. Even I'm laughing at that.
I have to say this first. I love my friends. I think they hate me.
My sista-friend, in the trenches, need some hardcore advice givin', I will dial 911 really fast if a man in a bad wig is following you through Nordstrom's about to rob you, travelin' the world with you, dear Femme Fantastik friend Lori Bryant-Woolridge sends me some hater mail.
Yes, dammit, I said it right, hater mail. I was shocked. My slim-fast bar fell from my mouth. What had I done to illicit mail that began,
Weapons of Mass Seduction, Unleashing the Sensual You.
It's kind of like the record Chante's Got a Man at Home. What the Hell?? Don't brag **tch. The rest of us got bears, but we ain't singin about it!
I looked at the bear and said, "You squeal that my orange polka pajama top and checkered blue bottoms don't match?" The bear fell over. Bastard.
Lori's note to me is below and once you read it, you will understand my replies.

WMS Rules for Creating A Red Hot Night by Lori Bryant Woolridge
'Tis the season for creating Red Hot Nights for romance and I thought I'd pass on some red hot rules for sensual entertaining. Every Weapon of Mass Seduction knows that:

1) To Thine Own Self Be True. At the core of a truly sensual woman is confidence in her authentic self. The evening you create should be driven first by your own comfort and enjoyment.
Carmen's Rebuttal for the Single Sista's: To Thine Own Self Be True--plan for major orgasms alone. Clean all vibrators.

Lori- 2) Senses Rule. Every aspect of your special evening should be planned according to your senses. Every sight, sound, smell, taste and touch should be pleasurable.
Carmen's Rebuttal for the Single Sista's: Senses Rule-snap a pair of worn panties on your head. Intoxicating!

Lori-3) Anticipation is Everything. Stay one step ahead. Maintain the mystery and you'll surely maintain your lover's interest (and gratitude)!
Carmen's Rebuttal for the Single Sista's: Anticipation is Everything-The batteries don't hold enough charge for all night loving. Buy more! And stay one step ahead--lock the damn door. The kids don't need to see you smackin' your own ass.

Lori-4) Drown Yourself in Pleasure. Not libations or food. You will negate all of your hard work and pleasure if you allow yourself or your lover to drink or eat too much.
Carmen's Rebuttal for the Single Sista's: Drown Yourself in Pleasure-Don't shower and prove you got a lover to the haters at work. Just wear more perfume, baby.

Lori-5) Be Flexible. Anticipation will bring your evening alive. Expectations will kill it. Remember one of the joys of living a sensual life is living in the moment and reveling in life as it comes. Plan your evening and then see where it takes you.
Carmen's Rebuttal for the Single Sista's: Be Flexible-You got skills, use 'em. The knee over the belly fat orgasm, priceless!

Lori Says-A Red Hot Night is an amazing way to celebrate Valentines or a birthday or anniversary, but what makes a night like this really hot, is when it comes out of the blue for no reason other than to make your lover feel special.Learn how to 'host' a red hot night from invitations to decadent dining ideas in Weapons Of Mass Seduction, a new novel by bestselling author, Lori Bryant-Woolridge. Part flirt-manual, part fiction, it is truly a novel to Unleash the Sensual You. Coming April 17, 2007. In the meantime, visit for more sensual living (and loving) tips.

Carmen's Rebuttal-Yeah, what the hell ever. Happy dag-on Valentine's Day.


Anonymous said…
I think your friend Carmen needs to see if Energizer, Rayovac or Radio Shack to see if she could be their spokesperson.

Go on girl -- it's always nice to see a woman HANDle her business herself....
Anonymous said…
When I saw this, I nearly cried twice. Once because of side splitting laughter and once because a charasmatic sister like Carmen wouldn't seem to be the right target for "hater mail".

Made me wax philosophically on things male and female during this season of love, and I thought up a few male rebuttals/commentaries on the sista girl responses:

Brotha Rebuttal #1: YES, confidence is the sexiest thing on a woman, and have mad respect for the lady who can be true to herself AND knows how to take what she wants and make what she wants when she has to -- even if batteries have to be included.

Brotha Rebuttal #2: The five sense definitely rule everything, and if you are creative enough you can get us to see a little lace, hear the waist band snap, smell a little of your essence, taste some of your flavor and touch the softness of the silk then the panties won't get a chance to reach your head -- they may not make it past your knees.

Brotha Rebuttal #3: Yes, anticipation is great and holding back the anticipation and allowing yourself to feel a surprise can take you far too. And yes, keep the kids at bay, you don't want them saying, "Ma ya betta stoppa or I'ma gonna tell pappa" (hip-hop song for those not down with Tech Nine)

Brotha Rebuttal #4: Shower. Before, during, after and after the second time. You can take a bath too (we like to share those from time to time). But definitely shower. If you want us to feed and drink fully on you, shower. Period. Full stop.

Brother Rebuttal #5: Flexibility is almost as sexy as confidence. A sista who can roll with the situation, adapt to the moment, be a kid with us (or enjoy us being a kid), try something new because it's new and because we want to try it with you (from going camping in the woods to bunjee cord jumping to that jello and handcuff thing we ask. We go to the furniture stores and pretend we care about it and we attend weddings because you ask, not because we want to -- reciprocate once in a while. Oh, and if you can do that little thing with the knees over the belly fat for yourself, imagine what you can do for one of us and what we would do for you in return.

Happy seduction ladies.


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