Santa Baby

My kids sent letters to Santa. Yes, I said letters, as in more than one. This is something we started at any early age. Since I am The catalog queen, I give them catalogs and let them go at it. We generally do this in several iterations. On the first pass, then go through and check or circle the things that they want. Of course the five year old circles everything, and then I give them the crushing news. They can only pick five things, and there is no guarantee that they will get all or any of those five things. You see, Santa has to make some decisions to make sure there is enough to go around, and which items Santa chooses of course depends on if she thinks they will be any fun for her or not.

The youngest cries and whines at this news, still not understanding why she can’t possibly have everything that she wants. The Oldest, she says nothing. She is teetering on the cusp of understanding the real deal. Mommy is really Santa Clause and if you piss Mommy off, you get lumps of coal in your Ugg Boots on Christmas Morning.

When they have narrowed it down to their five things, they cut them out of the magazine, paste them on a piece of stationary and give them to me to be mailed.

And of course, Santa writes them back. Those letters arrived today and I know they will be overjoyed when they get home from school. The best part is, this year, since Santa has to come early, I also got the convince-em kit. Santa is going to leave a thank you note for the cookies, and he will accidently leave his sleigh driving license. The reindeer will leave some hoof prints, although I don’t know where. It’s not like I really want to mess up my lawn with a hoof hole, and some reindeer magic dust will be sprinkled around. I know I won’t have too many years left to go overboard so I’m taking advantage now.

Adults don’t get to write letters to Santa. We just have wish lists, but I wanted to take stab at it.

Here goes.

Esteemed Mr Kringle—

I have been a very good girl this year, or so I’ve been told, so I’ll be expecting a little sum'in sum'in from you up under my Christmas Tree. I have been a good and attentive mother, or at least I’ve tried to be. It took a lot not to lock the little buggers in the closet when they were fighting. That count to ten thing you told me about last year has really helped. Child protective Services didn’t have to visit me this year at all.

I’ve tried my best to my nice to my fellow man or wo-man, even turning the other cheek when people where nasty to me. Do voodoo spells count? The fine print last year wasn’t very clear. ‘Cause if they do I will try and reverse each one.

I have even done my best not to fight over the television with my husband. I just hid the remote before he got a chance to get to it each evening, very effective.

So, with all these accomplishments and a very good year, here’s my list.

1. Cashmere Sweats from Henri Bendel. These are so perfect for traveling. Even if American won’t give me a upgrade to First Class, I can still feel like a million bucks while I slobber-sleep from tarmac to tarmac.
2. Anything from Tiffany. It doesn’t have to be expensive, it just has to come in the little blue box. Please note that repacking something in the box from target will not be sufficient. It says right on the Tiffany website that doing so will cause the box to self-destruct. And also note that I am allergic to gold, so just go for platinum or titanium. One of those right hand rings would be fabulous, ‘cause I have no problem raising my right hand to show it off.

And for my techie side-

3. A membership to Vongo so I can download movies on my personal video player. Watching G rated movies gets really tiring all the time. I’ve kinda been bombarded with singing fish , cars and penguins.
4. A treadmill, with all the bells and whistles. I tried to run that dang hill in front of my house and it nearly killed me
5. Slingbox Media-This will preserve the status quo in my home-If I can watch and control the Television from any room, we will no longer have to fight over the remote.
6. A new Apple computer. I’m so tired of blue screen. Woe is me. I just want everything to go together nicely in the sanbox without crashing, so I fear I am going to have to make the switch.
7. And finally, I’d like two attack dogs, one to name Cujo and the second to name Demonspawn, the kind that keep away unwanted visitors and salesman and protect me and my children.

That’s all Santa, and have a nice trip. Its okay if you don’t deliver these yourself. I will happily accept delivery from any of your elves in the brown uniform driving the sleigh disguised as an UPS Truck.

N

PS. Take is Easy on the EggNog. What will the kids think if Santa gets a FWI (Flying While Intoxicated).They are tough on that kinda thing around here and we don’t post bail for anyone, not event the fat man himself.