Ben and Jerry's Buggers/Scorpion Redux

Warning, the following contains graphic language and is an absolutely true story. It is not for the faint of heart and children are advised to leave the room.

Moving is a muthaf----.
I couldn't sit still and let the packers pack my stuff, I had to walk through and see if there was something I could do. Of course, there is always stuff behind stuff, especially in kid's room. Behind my daughter's kitchen, a discarded night gown was lurking. I decided to pick it up and put it where it belonged when--ouch, no sh--(*&^^%%', I heard a snapping sound and felt sharp pain on
my fingers.


I threw my phone and the nightgown and grabbed my finger, crunking again. I was getting good at this. My kids screamed "What's wrong, Mom?!" Something had bitten me.
Immediately, I thought the worse. I grabbed my finger and tried to hold the poison I knew to be coursing through my views down in the digit. Maybe I had been stung by a brown recluse? I thought better of holding the finger and reached over to the bathroom sink and ran water on it. Wait, I needed to remove my ring because I liked that ring, and if my finger started to swell (it was doing that already), they might have to cut my ring off. Couldn't have that. I was calm and rational in the afce of adversity.

I told the babysittter. "Something bit me."
"What?" They all stepped back.
"Something bit me. It was in that nightgown."
I watched every eye in the room widen.
"Carefully pick up that nightgown. Let's see what it is." I needed to know if I was going to lose a finger or if I was just suffering some more after effects of my oil-bred mosquito incident on MOnday.
She didn't see anything at first.
"I'm not crazy. Soemthing bit me."
She turned the nightgown around and around. My nine year old screamed and sprinted across the room. "I see it mom. It was a scorpion. Oh No! Not you mom!" She said that like it was curtains for me.
"Stay calm. Is it pink or black?" I was holding my finger again and letting the water run over it.
"I see it! I see it!"
My four year old screamed. That "emer-efer" was just sitting there, happy, curled up on my baby's nightgown. I tried to hold back the anger I was feeling. That thing that happens when maother feels her child has been endangered.
"Let me kill it," the sitter said.
"N0, we can't do that. We might need it."
They looked at me like I was a little loopy. And I was feeling a little loopy. Light headed. Was my tongue swelling?
Oh, Lord.
I tried to remain calm. "I'm not sure what to do."
My four year old was the voice of reason. "Mommy, you are goign to have to get a shot!"
"Poison Control?" The nanny suggested.
We settled on dialing 911. They would tell us if it were an emergency. I was sweating as she dialed, wondering if my switch to Vonage would prove to be a mistake.
It wasn't.
But they listened to the problem, instructed her to sit me down and remove my pets from the area. Was I goign to turn into a pet eating monster or something?
I did as instructed. And then a major blow came.
They were sending the paramedeics.
This must be bad then, right?
I needed to call someone and tell them I was dying.
No, not a good idea, what good would that do?
And not five minutes later the county fire department showed up. No sirens though. This is a good neighborhood and the sound would disturb the neighbors.
Three fire-people came in. First responder types.
"How old are you, Ma'am?"
"What? My real age?"
"Do you feel pain?"
"of course I do."
And then the paramedics showed up. Three of them. Three must be a magic number. Just like Schoolhouse Rock.
I wanted to cry. I was loopy now. And crying.
I told my nanny to take my kids to the mall or something. They would be traumatized if they witnessed my death. That woudln't be good.
The fire-dude ran the situation down for the paramedic. "We have a ?? year old female, been bitten by a scorpion."
"Hey! Hey!" I felt like Archie Bunker.
He rephrased himself. "We have a 26 year old female, been bitten by a scorpion."
He asked me about my symptoms, hooked me up to lots of machines. Oxygen. Blood O2 levels. Pressure cuff.
"What's today's date?" They were flashing light in my eyes.
"Try another question. I never know the date."
"Do you still have the scorpion?"
I told him where it was and one of them went to investigate.
My hands were trembling.
I was seeing spots. No, those were hornets outside my door. I made a mental note to call the exterminator.
"How much do you weigh ma'am?"
"Hey! Hey!. I weigh what I'm supposed to weigh. I'm almost 5"8"."
"Dont' you see I'm a Blackwoman, here. Put 145. Am I gonna die?"
At that point the scorpion finder entered. "This is a common bark scorpion. A baby. See the markings?" He was holding it between pliers. "I think I squoze the bugger to death."
"Oh, Lord."
"You should be fine. Unless of course you go into anaphalactic shock."
"Oh, Lord."
"But you would have done that already."
"Her pulse is coming down."
"Oh, Lord."
"No, no, that's good."
"Okay." I really do think I saw spots.
"We need you to sign realeases if you aren't going to let us take you to the hospital."
"I'm not."
"All of our paperwork was written by lawyers, but don't be alarmed by that chance of death part."
"Jesus, Mohammed and Buddha."
"You'll be fine. You'll need some Benadryl."
I thought a moment. Which box had the Benadryl?
"And you shoudln't go running or anything like that."
Dang. I really needed to exercise.
"Try ro stay awake and drink water."
"Anything else?"
"Chocolate ice cream?"
Ben and Jerry's it is. Dang critters. Nature just seems to be lashing out at me this week.


Anonymous said…
Hmmmm, Chocolate Ben & Jerry's....something to cool your wounded finger and soothe your frayed nerves....something about chocolate that makes it a perfect panacea for anything that ails a girl.

Hope you recover in style and maybe consider staying inside the rest of the summer. Mosquitos, are not having good dealings with insects or arachnids so avoid them as much as possible.
Lo said…
Okay, Nina, that was downright RIOTOUS!!! I was laughing so hard in the midst of wondering how the horror of it all would ultimately be resolved that I startled the folks around me, who must think I've lost my mind. I'm over at a friend's house working on a project, but I stopped to read this.

Girl, you are a MESS. How you were able to be rational enough to remember to take off your (nice) ring before your finger swelled, and be defensive enough to not want to divulge either your age or weight during a potential life-threatening crisis is hysterical!! (On the real, tho', I would have been the same way, like, what do my age and weight have to do with whether you can save me or not? Huh?)
Joel McIver said…

You are too funny! But I have to say, I'm glad the bite wasn't fatal. I'm looking forward to the new literary erotic novel you spoke of at Essence. I've got Just Short of Crazy! I'll get you my feedback when I have a chance to sit down and read it.

You are too much!!!

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