Gym Observations

Since I’ve moved to California, I had to get used to working out in a gym as opposed in my home. Two things have come of that. I’ve had to buy better gym clothes, and of course, I’ve watched people. I’ve spent a few weeks taking in all the different types I see. A few weeks ago, I decided to hire a trainer. As opposed to making a blind wish in January for New Year’s resolution I wanted to get started now.
A funny thing happened when I started with a trainer. I’ve been going to the gym for weeks, and barely anyone would ever talk to me. If I made eye contact by accident, they would quickly look away. It was almost as if they had some secret fraternity to which I didn’t belong. After a session with the trainer, I noticed that people’s eyes were friendlier. You know what I mean, the way Tyra Banks says “people were starting to smile at me with their eyes.” If we made eye contact, eyes linger now before they look away. It’s not as if I was thinner and suddenly better to look at or anything, it was more like I suddenly had the word TRAINER stamped on my forehead and I’d been admitted into the secret club.
I’ve gotten sort of comfortable with him, and I’ve started to observe the people while he is torturing me. I’ve figured out that everyone belongs in a certain categories.
Let’s call the overall genus Gym Ratus, or commonly Gym Rats. Because I’ve hired a trainer I am now part of the general Gym Ratus Group, this group has a certain commitment to their health and fitness or the appearance thereof.
I want to lay them out for you so you can recognize them if you decide to join this group.

Ratus Anorexiai- This particular ratus is in the gym, no matter when you go, but you know nothing ever really seems to change. You see, this person is so skinny that there is nothing left to lose, and minimal muscle to build. They have dieted themselves back to pre-pubescent status. In general, their clothes hang off of them at all times, and their skin looks sallow. There are dark hollows under their eyes and you wonder at what point they will pass out. This person is often called the aerobics queen. Sometimes, these are mistaken for male because they are so thin they are built like a ten year old boy,with not even a hint of a hip or barely a need for even a training bra.

Ratus Anorexiai Nekkida- This is a sub set of the Ratus Anorexiai, but in general, in this group the clothes fit them very well. Unfortunately, they are generally in children’s sizes. Often they will come into the gym fully covered up, only to strip as their workout time goes on, exposing usually fabulous looking abdominal muscles, stick legs, no hips, and every vertebrae from the neck to the base of his spine. This person wants to make sure that we know they have barely 2% body fat, and that they live on the fumes of other people’s food. Often, in females, this lack of body fat is also accompanied by huge store-bought boobalas. We’ve seen strippers wear more here, people.

Ratus FitusAndIKnowILookGoodus- This is another type of gym rat that is always in the gym no matter when you go. This person looks good, there’s no question about it. They are fit, toned, with all their parts in the right place. Even their store-bought boobalas look great. That can’t be taken away. They usually appear in the gym fully coiffed and in full makeup. Their clothes are also tiny, but they wear support bras to keep everything where it supposed to be. It’s impossible to tell if the gym has made them look this good or if a plastic surgeon has or some combination of the two. It doesn’t matter. Oh, they also constantly flash smiles at other gym rats, saving the biggest ones for the male trainers. I am not mad at them though. These are very pleasant to be around because they will not make small talk. They are serious about their look and will be concentrating. You want to work out near this person because the trainers will usually notice you need help because they look over at this person several times an hour. Only thing is, they spend so much time in the gym they have no social life.

Ratus OldusWithoutShamus- Sadly, this type is almost always female. Generally thin, this person is working out to keep it all together. Usually older, they’re having a hard time keeping their skin from sagging. To make up for it, they have a standing appointment with their plastic surgeon. Every time you see them, this bionic woman has something new, bigger or better. It will vary, from the boobalas, new lips, or something that has been sucked off, ad when they run out of things to do to themselves, they start rebuilding again. With each new procedure, their clothing will shrink, It is not unusual that all eyes in the gym are on this person, everyone is trying to see what the latest wardrobe malfunction will be. We’ve seen these people’s nipples and coin slot more times than we can count. Undoubtedly, they will talk with a deep, husky voice, and only to the young, male trainers.

Ratus Socialus- This type comes to the gym daily, but you’re not really sure what they’re doing. Nothing ever seems to change, that is, except their clothes. They are very well, very expensively, and very appropriately dressed. Sometimes, they also come with an iPod, and then will sing very loud on top of the gym music, or with a friend. They like to travel in packs. In which case their mouths never stop running. This person never really breaks a sweat.

Ratus Aerobica- This person appears normally fit, but it was like they were born on a treadmill or stairstepper. In between they alternate an aerobics class. Upon leaving, they can be found at the local coffee shop, almost right up to carpool time.

Ratus Muscularus- These are usually males, with a few women thrown in for good measure. I’m not talking about the women that have nice toned shoulders, but the ones that you have to look twice to make sure that they are female. They work out all the time, sometimes only concentrating on one area. They have a sub-type, Ratus Muscularus Hollerus, easy to identify because they yell every time they lift a weight, no matter how heavy it is. This type will usually have a better midsection or six-pack because all that yelling helps them work their core.

Ratus WHyAreYouHere-us- Every day, nothing ever changes. This type is almost, always male as well. They get sand kicked in their face before they came, and they will have sand kicked in their face after they leave.

I must note that none of these types are bad, in fact, we need allof them to make the gym interesting or we’d all be wasting our memberships. Its just interesting to note where they fit.

I’m going to continue my study and fill you in on another day. I’m pretty sure the trainers a fall into different categories yet but I haven’t nailed them all down yet. If I’ve missed any,be sure to hit me up.