Holiday Redux I

Sometimes, things I write cannot be duplicated. But that doesn’t meant they can’t be repeated. Here’s a Santa Letter post from years’ past, revised to fit the current day. Think of it as a second edition. Enjoy.


My kids sent letters to
Santa. Yes, I said letters, as in more than one. This is something we started at any early age. Since I am The catalog queen, I give them catalogs and let them go at it. We generally do this in several iterations. On the first pass, then go through and check or circle the things that they want. Of course the seven year old circles everything, and then I give them the crushing news. They can only pick five things, and there is no guarantee that they will get all or any of those five things. You see, Santa has to make some decisions to make sure there is enough to go around, and which items Santa chooses of course depends on if she thinks they will be any fun for her or not, and whether or not SHE has had enough coffee today.
The youngest cries and whines at this news, still not understanding why she can’t possibly have everything that she wants. The Oldest, she says nothing. She is teetering on the cusp of understanding the real deal, holding onto the last shred of fantasy. She knows who REALLY buys the gifts, but dares not speak it aloud. Mommy is really
Santa Clause and if you piss Mommy off, you get lumps of coal in your Ugg Boots on Christmas Morning. Or worse yet, Bad Santa will take away your phone.
When they have narrowed it down to their five things, they cut them out of the magazine, paste them on a piece of stationary and give them to me to be mailed.

And of course,
Santa writes them back. Those letters arrived today and I know they will be overjoyed when they get home from school. The best part is, this year, since Santa has to come early, I also got the convince-em kit. Santa is going to leave a thank you note for the cookies, and he will accidently leave his sleigh driving license. The reindeer will leave some hoof prints, although I don’t know where. It’s not like I really want to mess up my lawn with a hoof hole, and some reindeer magic dust will be sprinkled around. I know I won’t have too many years left to go overboard so I’m taking advantage now.

Adults don’t get to write letters to
Santa. We just have wish lists, but I wanted to take stab at it.

Here goes.
Esteemed Mr Kringle—
I have been a very, very good girl this year, or so I’ve been told, so I’ll be expecting a little sum'in sum'in from you up under my Christmas Tree. I have been a good and attentive mother, or at least I’ve tried to be. It took a lot not to lock the little buggers in the closet when they were fighting. That count to ten thing you told me about last year has really helped. Child protective Services didn’t have to visit me this year at all.
I’ve tried my best to my nice to my fellow man or wo-man, even turning the other cheek when people where nasty to me. Do voodoo spells count? The fine print last year wasn’t very clear. ‘Cause if they do I will try and reverse each one.
I have even done my best not to fight over the television, and I was even nice when they cancelled something on my TIVO list. I just hid the remote before they got a chance to get to it each evening, very effective.
So, with all these accomplishments and a very good year, here’s my list. Of course his has changed, these are listed on, but I would not be disappointed if I got any of these staples. My Personal holiday elf has already taken care of a few things, and for that, I’m grateful. (The list is to the right, in pictures, or you can go here:

  1. Cashmere Sweats from Henri Bendel. These are so perfect for traveling. Even if American won’t give me a upgrade to First Class, I can still feel like a million bucks while I slobber-sleep from tarmac to tarmac.

  2. Anything from Tiffany. It doesn’t have to be expensive, it just has to come in the little blue box. Please note that repacking something in the box from target will not be sufficient. It says right on the Tiffany website that doing so will cause the box to self-destruct. And also note that I am allergic to gold, so just go for platinum or titanium. One of those right hand rings would be fabulous, ‘cause I have no problem raising my right hand to show it off.

  3. A full car detail. I do know that thing are not supposed t grow n my car and am even willing to give up the survival aspect of driving the mother-vehicle. I’m told that if I were stranded in the snow in my car I could probably graze for months on the food debris in my back seat, but I think I can take that chance.

And for my techie side- (these are all new)

  1. A Kindle. Thank you holiday elf.

  2. A sonos system.

  3. And finally, I’d like two attack dogs, one to name Cujo and the second to name Demonspawn, the kind that keep away unwanted visitors and salesman and protect me and my children. Okay, I’ll settle for a little dog that yips and yaps and makes small poo. Its just easier to clean up. Of course if this is the choice, I’ll name him Gucci or Prada or Manolo or Louboutin.

That’s all Santa, and have a nice trip. Its okay if you don’t deliver these yourself. I will happily accept delivery from any of your elves in the brown uniform driving the sleigh disguised as an UPS Truck.


PS. Take it Easy on the EggNog. What will the kids think if
Santa gets a FWI (Flying While Intoxicated)?They are tough on that kinda thing around here and we don’t post bail for anyone, not even the fat man himself.


Susan said…
I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.

Seth Simonds said…
Spammer Susan above me made me laugh. What's NOT to comment on!

Haha! I really liked your post. Pretty certain Kringle'd have to put a trailer on his sleigh to get all your things in one trip!

Anonymous said…
It is a nice blog. But then again, i like, I mean, recycling. Reposting? Revising? Revisiting a subject? Oh well, you are a good writer, so it all works for you.

Feliz Navidad,
Casachico de la Zorra

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